Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
