Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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