I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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