Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
