just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
