Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
