There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
