I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
