true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
