I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Randomize
