you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
