oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
