Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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