Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
