remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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