Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
