Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You dont lie about slip and slides
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
