Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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