yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
just tell him i said nine months
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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