I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
