He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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