The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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