My room smells like vodka and shame
It's like God shit irony all over that family
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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