either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
