Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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