please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
