she pinky promised me she was 18
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
