I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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