a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize