Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
is that a dick in a sweater?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
