apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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