If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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