It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
