Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
