How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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