and she was petting her beer can
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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