Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
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