Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
