we have officially lost it.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
