So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
