Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
