Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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