from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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