He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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