Don't make out with my wife yet
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
