She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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