I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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