Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
