He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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