I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
