tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
