I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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