there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
