Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
my liver is dry heaving
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
