why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Randomize
