I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
