If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
