just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
