A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
