In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
