i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He's a Shit stain on my heart
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
