It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Randomize
