you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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