i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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